Correct the first file essay by the following requirements. the second file is the tutor’s suggestions. Make sure you correct all of them. and TOEFL IS NOT GET THE GRADE AT THE FIRST TIME. The whole essay should focus on how I overcome the nervous.( which means more psycho description and change the introduction and conclusion, and the other part(like 4th paragraph) that need to be changed)
1.6 Essay #1: Personal Narrative Grading Rubric
Please read over this rubric. This is how I will be grading your first essay.
Essay is on-topic and excellently fulfills all directives (i.e., minimum number of quotes, etc.)
Essay is on-topic and fulfills most of the directives (i.e., minimum number of quotes, etc.) OR does a good job of meeting the directives.
Essay is on-topic but fails to fulfill some of the directives (i.e., minimum number of quotes, etc.) OR only adequatelymeets the directives.
Essay is off-topic and/or fails to fulfill the directives (i.e., minimum number of quotes, etc.).
Subject and unifying event clear and maintained
Theme/unifying theme explicitly stated
Event is excellently focused to one moment, no longer than one day.
Has effective closing
Subject and unifying event somewhat clear and maintained
Theme/unifying theme is stated but may need to be more explicit.
Event is somewhat focused to one moment, but may go beyond one day.
Has a closing
Subject/topic clear; theme/unifying event may not
Reader is must infer theme/unifying event because it is not immediately clear.
Lacks sufficiency to demonstrate a developed focus on one moment, goes beyond one day.
Subject and issue unclear, limited or confusing
Insufficient writing to show criteria are met
Lacks focus; event is not limited to one moment or day; rambling, unfocused.
Abrupt or not closing
Elaboration (Details and Explanation/ Analysis)
Excellently integrated elaborations (details) in the form of:
Elaborations well illustrate and add to the narrative
Excellently shows rather than tells the story.
Excellent development / explanation of depth (ie why the moment is defining)the moment is defining)
Nicely Integrates elaborations (details) in the form of some of the below, but could use more:
Elaborations nicely illustrate some of the narrative but could use more details.
Writer shows the story but needs less “telling” language.
Good development / explanation of depth (ie why the moment is defining). Could use more.
Mostly general or underdeveloped elaborations (details).
May have some details (adjectives and adverbs, sensory language, or dialogue), but needs many more to advance the story.
Contains more telling rather than showing language.
Adequate or minimal development / explanation of depth (ie why the moment is defining). Needs more.
Elaboration is absent, confusing, or repetitive
Insufficient writing to show that criteria are met
Narrative tells and does not show.
Little to no development / explanation of depth (ie why the moment is defining). Does not meet the assignment.
Narrative structure clear-sequence of episodes moves logically through time without noticeable gaps
Episodes appropriately paragraphed â€¢Coherence and cohesion demonstrated through some appropriate use of devices (transitions, pronouns, causal linkage, etc.)
Narrative structure is noticeable, but the reader may have to infer it-sequence of episodes moves logically through time with some gaps
Some appropriate paragraphing
Evidence of coherence may depend on sequence
Most transitions are appropriate
Structure is attempted, but reader may still have to infer
Lacks appropriate narrative structure (off-mode)
May have a major lapse or inappropriate transitions that disrupt progression of events
May have little evidence of appropriate paragraphing
Limited structure within paragraphs (e.g., lacks purposeful ordering of sentences)
Lacks sufficiency to demonstrate developed organization
Very confusing/little or no attempt at structure
Insufficient writing to meet criteria
Is free from errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics. Has an effective, fluent style marked by syntactic variety and a clear command of language.
May have a few errors, but generally demonstrates control of grammar, usage, and mechanics. Displays some syntactic variety and facility in the use of language.
Has an accumulation of errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics that sometimes interfere with meaning. Demonstrates adequate use of syntax and language.
Has serious, frequent errors in grammar, usage and spelling that interfere with meaning. Has limited control of syntax and vocabulary.
Smoothly integrates relevant sources and quotes to substantiate claims, consistently using MLA format.
Integrates relevant sources and quotes to substantiate claims, using MLA format with occasional lapses in usage.
Inconsistently integrates relevant sources and quotes to substantiate claims, and demonstrates an inconsistent use of MLA format.
Neglects relevant sources and/ or improperly cites sources according to MLA format.
Help me get an A. Thanks!